catwallpaper (catwallpaper) wrote,

Evolution, adaptation, the overcast sky behind you. I grew numb to it all, and for this same reason I am now facing. It is not a brick wall simply blocking my path, it is a bubble surrounding my being, a box which tries to trap me yet allows me to see through it. I feel that I am suspended in what could have been; I am too late now. I've realized it too late, and I am living a lie, a life that could have been. I see all that could be; I can see myself as who I want to be, who I really am, but I can never make it there because it is a lie. Why must I keep quiet? I do not wish to keep it all inside the dark of my room anymore. I think it's something that must be seen, shown, given, communicated. I want to write it on my face, all over myself. I want to sing it, play it, be it. It will become me; I will become my art. I am lost now, but it does not matter where I am. The world is meaningless, pointless. There is nothing at the end of it, a nothing beyond anything comprehensible. I am not "made" for this; I simply relate too heavily to it. Everything that give me hope also makes me hopeless; I will never get there. Never, never, never. I cannot be a legend; I may know eternal pain, but it doesn't matter. I may be angsty, angry, angry, so goddamn angry. But I get nothing from it because I am trapped in this clear box. I watch, I try to speak, but am never heard. Can I end the world? Should I become something awful and dark, a murderer? A leader of a cult which tries to end the world.
Everything about it rings so violently, as if it breaks through to my veins and pierces them. How did this get inside me? What am I to do about it? How can I get better than I am? How can I be as confident? That is all I need; I need to release the fear. I just need to trust in myself and then they will trust in my too. But I feel that perhaps I have it backwards. I need to personify who I want to be, radiate trust even if I am secretly fearful, then when they believe in me, I will truly believe in me.
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