(no subject)
catwallpaper
Go ahead and break my heart with your red lace gloves
Will I never be so well-loved?
My heart is broken by such display
Can I ever be that way?
I am that way; I know it
But can I ever show it?
No, will it, will I ever be seen?
Perhaps only in a dream...

Break my heart with your pained art
As I'm walking around the school
I've got no reason to feel cool
The world around me will not see
Even though I so provoke them
With my hair out of place,
the raging makeup on my face,
and my red lace gloves

You see, I'm an artist so
Why does no one know?
Is it because I'm all alone?
yeah... I'm still on my own
I'll craft my skill; I'll ignite my will
Until themselves my comrades have shown

Go ahead and break my heart with your platform shoes, your flashy belts, your wild hair and colored faces
Your songs with such divinity have left their traces...
Now I'll get my way, yeah, I'm going places
I'll get my way with my art
Because it stole my heart
Long before the start
Long before I saw you

And then, I'll break hearts too

(no subject)
catwallpaper
Dear Rock Gods,

Walk me through this one. This may well be the event which causes me to retreat back into my shell. If there is a higher power, if there are spirits and reincarnation, then please give me something, something like a sign. This could be the event that ruins me. Who I am tends to destroy my life. Am I the in between? Am I the moment of anticipation? My life is a word, or a world,  on the tip of my tongue, yet I cannot quite grasp it; however, I must continue trying to recall. I will not give in, even if I am doomed never to know the precious syllables. I will continue in this fashion, reaping little externally from myself, and obliterating many things which I had in reality. I do this in the hopes of being heard, in any way. I will flourish all my ideas, all my art, and hope that something gets through the barrier between myself and existence. My pain is not traceable; it is invisible. I do not have a tragic instance, one shining moment where I became this way. It has a name, my reason does, but it does not matter and points only to a vague idea. This reason is chronic, inescapable, and hereditary. My family have lived with it in a way that I refuse to, at least for now, although I hope to maintain my ideals even after my youth. Because there must be something in me that is not in them; there must be something. It feels as a divine presence, calling to me. I cannot forsake it; it is myself. It is who I am, and it tends to destroy my practical life.
But there are times when I think I will kill myself; there are times when I cannot stop crying because I know I can never express my pain in the beautiful way that I wish to. It is this which breaks my heart; all the things which inspire me also tear me apart. I will never be so good. I listen to Art of Life and cry so hard and long that I forget the thoughts that caused my tears. When I dry my eyes, I become content with what I am doing. I become determined to continue, no matter what force stands in my way. Even if I will never be so good, even if I cannot quite trace the word on my lips, I am not going to stop trying.

But please help me; send me your love.

(no subject)
catwallpaper
Goodbye, pretty sky!
Count to ten; go run and hide!
Too bad we'll never be found
Too bad I've taken the long way around
Red, Red, Red roses
come and go under our noses

Where are the keys to my heart?
How did they fall from my grasp?
Why should the clouds ever part?
Goodbye pretty sky
I'll miss your art

Oh no! don't you ask me why!!!!!!!!
No don't ask why!!!!!

Goodbye, my dreams!
Goodbye, my loves
You seem to elude me now
I break apart at the seams
Is it the thing I felt?
Is it the reincarnation of the essence of my childhood self?

Where did the keys to my heart go?
how did they fall from my grasp?
Where it goes, I do not know
Goodbye, lifeless lies
I'll miss your gentle eyes

Falling through oblivion; the space between my life and my soul
Don't I try to make me whole
The fear I'll never reach my goal
puts in me a gaping hole

But it could never matter
Good bye sky, let the rain fall dry
Strike me; let me die
Let me die
You know I cry the tears you will not
Never getting what I've sought
Being constantly wrought

Between my life and my soul
don't I try to make me whole
This fear I'll never reach my goal
puts in me a gaping hole

Patch my wounds
Hold me for many moons
Do not leave me too soon
My soul, my love, my dreams
Never loose the intangible gleam
Never let me go
Never, never let me go
Never, never, oh no...

But I don't know!
Who fucking cares!
I just wanna do my hair
In all the colors of the rainbow

Goodbye, pretty sky!
I'll mimick your style
Then become a monster most vile
As the night descends
Daylight ends
Hell sends
A guide to...
strike me; let me die
let me die
A guide to...
patch my wounds
never let me go

Unlock the door to my heart
Let the real dream start
From my soul, I will never part
Even if it's not smart
Hello, pretty sky!
why do I still want to die!

(no subject)
catwallpaper
I see a rainforest, a deep green canopy of trees. The rain never stops, but the sun rises as a rainbow each morning. The foliage is thick, heavy, sopping wet. I cannot cut through it with my fingernails; I cannot do anything about it. How do I see the rainbow? Dear inner most self, how can I convince you to let me free? If you will not I will use my fingernails to slice my own skin; I will offer myself as prey for the roaring beasts in the night. Do not doubt my capabilities; do you even know me? The night is never silent yet always still. The air is humid, moist and sickeningly warm. I will not leave this place; I will not give in to the idea of escaping my own mind. Someday I will cut through, break the wall, crash the trees upon each other as I leap over their falling branches. I will die in a free fall, only after grasping the rainbow in my sky.
This is why I shall not return to the way things were. My bags are not unpacked yet, but I'm considering just chucking them from the third story window of this wretched apartment. I see everything sprinkled around me, clues, people and the fourth dimension (its questionable existence). I wish that my journey was not so lonely; I wish that I had someone to put on makeup with, someone to write with, someone to cry with. I wish I had someone, or more, to lead through hell. But I only have myself and I, and everyone else. Goodnight moon; do not remember me.

(no subject)
catwallpaper
Evolution, adaptation, the overcast sky behind you. I grew numb to it all, and for this same reason I am now facing. It is not a brick wall simply blocking my path, it is a bubble surrounding my being, a box which tries to trap me yet allows me to see through it. I feel that I am suspended in what could have been; I am too late now. I've realized it too late, and I am living a lie, a life that could have been. I see all that could be; I can see myself as who I want to be, who I really am, but I can never make it there because it is a lie. Why must I keep quiet? I do not wish to keep it all inside the dark of my room anymore. I think it's something that must be seen, shown, given, communicated. I want to write it on my face, all over myself. I want to sing it, play it, be it. It will become me; I will become my art. I am lost now, but it does not matter where I am. The world is meaningless, pointless. There is nothing at the end of it, a nothing beyond anything comprehensible. I am not "made" for this; I simply relate too heavily to it. Everything that give me hope also makes me hopeless; I will never get there. Never, never, never. I cannot be a legend; I may know eternal pain, but it doesn't matter. I may be angsty, angry, angry, so goddamn angry. But I get nothing from it because I am trapped in this clear box. I watch, I try to speak, but am never heard. Can I end the world? Should I become something awful and dark, a murderer? A leader of a cult which tries to end the world.
Everything about it rings so violently, as if it breaks through to my veins and pierces them. How did this get inside me? What am I to do about it? How can I get better than I am? How can I be as confident? That is all I need; I need to release the fear. I just need to trust in myself and then they will trust in my too. But I feel that perhaps I have it backwards. I need to personify who I want to be, radiate trust even if I am secretly fearful, then when they believe in me, I will truly believe in me.

(no subject)
catwallpaper
I cannot carry on on my own much longer
As the world shrinks, my demons grow stronger
My dreams back farther away from my reach
Still I cannot find the ones I seek

I do not think I can make it on my own
It's been too long that I've been so alone
The pain bites into my skull
There is no one here to bring about my revival

Why must I carry on alone?
So many years I spend hidden on my own
And now I have missed my chance
Given you a last glance
I'm begging you to understand, someone, anyone!
Claim to know my pain! Know my meaning!
Believe in me when my thoughts are seething!
Look at me, eyes simply dripping with meaning

Just come with me, and we'll begin;
A leader must have those to lead in
Though the flames are tall
Let us walk through hell together
Let us take it all
DONT GIVE UP
Set me free! Breaking out!
DONT GIVE UP
See me cry! Hear my shout!
I know what loneliness is all about
You can lean on me
DONT GIVE UP
I WON'T GIVE UP
It'll be enough; I'll make it right
We don't give up without a fight
Pull through, through the night
Flash our sign, large and bright
DON'T GIVE UP
I WON'T GIVE UP
I'm here to take you back again
I'm here to hold you, my dear friend

(no subject)
catwallpaper
I want you back
I want us to be a band again
I want to apologize for whatever happened, for what's past
I don't want that to be the last
Time we spend together

Because you knew about me
And I thought i knew about you
But I guess I confused what was true
Who'd have known with the way you smiled?
Who'd have known it'd only be a short while?

I was wrong I know; you never felt a single thing
I don't know; Did you at least like how I sing?
But see the real problem is that I cannot seem to forget
And I'm laced with regret
Because all that was said
Has fucked me up inside

I know you never cared; I tell myself that because how could you have?
Friends, true friends, do not forsake each other.
But.. I was sure we really felt one another
And the things you said, the look in your eyes
Was it all really lies?

The problem is now that I cannot find another like you
No one who gets it like you
No one who I feel cosmically connected to but
it doesn't matter
I'll keep starting anew
until these silly dreams disappear or come true

(no subject)
catwallpaper
harder, harder, take me farther...
harder, hit me harder
do me harder
hate me harder
love me harder
Don't see me as the child we've all been
Such a difference exists, distance between now and then

So pain, pain, pain
it feels so good when it's not real
Why don't we turn it up a little louder?
Scream, scream harder
But why even bother?
When their ears are desensitized to our whining
Don't go on trying

harder, harder, take me farther...
harder, hit me harder
do me harder
hate me harder
love me harder
feel me harder

(no subject)
catwallpaper
I am the monster in the maze
I love to hate
I love the sadness
Isn't it great?
All the life to endure
Pain, grief forevermore...

Sleepless night
It's all right
I'm all right
Outta sight beyond your view
You'll never see, never understand, why I'm jaded

I don't need to be good
I don't care about the things I "should"
fallen star all ablaze
I love to hate
I love the sadness
Cannot relate?
Oh, oh, oh my mistake
Ah, all my life to endure

Sleepless night
I'm not all right
Who cares?
There is no right
Nothing is fair
You'll never see, you never knew, why I'm jaded
Jaded, and I hate you!

(no subject)
catwallpaper
A cheap artist with medicre sketches
Capturing the world's many edges
He's putting a little of each
into his self portrait

I'm king of the world inside my head
When the rain falls and I know I'm better off dead
Beauty, beauty all around me
Am I the only one to see?

No,
I wanna run with the art students
I wanna smoke with the art students
I wanna talk life with the art students
But one of them, I don't want to be

A picturesque subject
Are you taken by her?
But you are unpredictable
Just look closely in the mirror

I'm the king of the world inside my head
In the night I am nearly dead
Sadness, sadness all around me
Am I the only one to see?

Then send me out to sea
Drown me
Go away! Hey! Go away! Hey!
Go away, please, go away!

I wanna run with the art students
I wanna smoke with the art students
I wanna talk life with the art students
And then I want to put them into my art

?

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