catwallpaper (catwallpaper) wrote,
catwallpaper
catwallpaper

Dear Rock Gods,

Walk me through this one. This may well be the event which causes me to retreat back into my shell. If there is a higher power, if there are spirits and reincarnation, then please give me something, something like a sign. This could be the event that ruins me. Who I am tends to destroy my life. Am I the in between? Am I the moment of anticipation? My life is a word, or a world,  on the tip of my tongue, yet I cannot quite grasp it; however, I must continue trying to recall. I will not give in, even if I am doomed never to know the precious syllables. I will continue in this fashion, reaping little externally from myself, and obliterating many things which I had in reality. I do this in the hopes of being heard, in any way. I will flourish all my ideas, all my art, and hope that something gets through the barrier between myself and existence. My pain is not traceable; it is invisible. I do not have a tragic instance, one shining moment where I became this way. It has a name, my reason does, but it does not matter and points only to a vague idea. This reason is chronic, inescapable, and hereditary. My family have lived with it in a way that I refuse to, at least for now, although I hope to maintain my ideals even after my youth. Because there must be something in me that is not in them; there must be something. It feels as a divine presence, calling to me. I cannot forsake it; it is myself. It is who I am, and it tends to destroy my practical life.
But there are times when I think I will kill myself; there are times when I cannot stop crying because I know I can never express my pain in the beautiful way that I wish to. It is this which breaks my heart; all the things which inspire me also tear me apart. I will never be so good. I listen to Art of Life and cry so hard and long that I forget the thoughts that caused my tears. When I dry my eyes, I become content with what I am doing. I become determined to continue, no matter what force stands in my way. Even if I will never be so good, even if I cannot quite trace the word on my lips, I am not going to stop trying.

But please help me; send me your love.
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